When I started writing last year, I remember being in a very different place emotionally.

I was struggling. I was fighting with myself. I was in a dark place, a sad place.

I knew I needed to get out, but I didn’t think I ever would. I knew I wanted to be happier, more content and not just surviving anymore. I wanted to live.

I knew what I wanted. The idea of achieving it was far-fetched.

I’m someone who makes a plan, and then struggles to tick all the boxes going down. But this time I was determined. Determined enough? I’d think it’s still too soon to say.

I held on. I held on to hope and dreams that I’d thought I’d all but forgotten. And a year on out I can see the silver lining.

I can see a sliver of where I want to be. I can also see where I don’t want to go.

What is the point of this mysterious post you may wonder. It’s this – don’t give up. Endurance heeds results.

I may not have reached the definition of “happy”, but happiness does not elude me anymore. I can choose to be happy if I want to.

Have you ever been told, “don’t laugh too much or you’ll have to cry soon enough?” I’m still working my way around this. When my children laugh so hard, I fight the urge to tell them this. I fight the fear that wraps around my heart at that moment.

In the last year, I have come to terms with the fact that everything that happens was predetermined. Showing & feeling joy for a moment will not change the course of your destiny.

The only thing that could change that instant joy to suffering is the person you choose to share that joy with. How much do they think you are undeserving of that joy based on the sadness within their hearts?

Hence, the fear around social media stories in a lot of us, the feeling of ‘is it safe to share?’

I have always believed in sharing joys and sorrows with the people we care about the most. It’s necessary for survival. But when you’re not surviving anymore and you start living, those same people that you cared so much for may not share in that same joy. They may feel left behind. And being left behind harbours so much hate. And hate breeds contempt.

It’s important to find that place in your heart to know that you are enough, no matter what anyone else thinks or chooses to say. You are content with the growth within and without you. You may not be perfect today, and you may never be. But that does not mean imperfect is wrong. Imperfect means you are human, and not a machine. You feel, you hurt, you rage, you love. And that is a form of perfection in itself.

And this is where I am today – choosing my imperfections as the best part of me, making me who I am. I make mistakes, and I work at fixing them. I get hurt or angry, and I choose to speak to those feelings and sort through them. In all of the chaos, I choose to be me!

Love always,