My kids, each of them, individually, are my proudest moments in all of the years I’ve lived. They are somehow my pain points too.

Even considering today and the kind of week I’ve had, I would never want to have it any other way. I cannot imagine not being mom to even one of them. I cannot imagine a life without them.

And yet, there are times I forget the count and miss a child out in the daily routine of life. I barely have the time to count them now because they’re everywhere all the time and sometimes I just count one head twice, I guess.

I assure you it’s not as bad as I’m imagining it to be or you’re imagining it to be but I’m dealing with some major mental overload. And I mostly choose to just stay home with them, avoiding the outside unknown world where nothing is predictable once their little feet touch the ground.

I know it sounds reasonably unsafe when you hear me say I miss a kid out sometimes. I can tell you’re judging me right now. What kind of mom does that make me, right, if I miss a kid out in the daily chaos of life? Which kid do I miss – definitely not my favourite one? Am I even fit for this role? This makes me sound careless and inept.

When I am overwhelmed with the daily clamour of my life, with how touched out I am at the end of the day, of how much I want to break down and cry just to get it all out, I fight to push it all back in. I take out my phone, unlock it, I find a relatively quiet (most times not) space and play a game, instead of using that same device to reach out to a kindred soul.

I find it hard to trust anyone these days, to understand or empathise with what I’m feeling. I don’t believe in talking to someone about my “struggles” anymore, especially since I had my last child. I’ll tell you why.

A fear of being judged – that’s why! Every time I speak to someone about my daily struggles, or an out of the way difficult situation I’m dealing with, or vent at the end of a very trying day, or even mid-struggle, I can sense those judge-y thoughts directed at me.

At my absolute lowest if I do build myself up enough to talk to someone I trust about what I’m dealing with, instead of hearing me out and just letting me lean on them a little, they choose to give me “gyan” instead! Everyone wants their two cents in. Everyone has a parenting tip or suggestion. Everyone has a possible reason for why my kids(s) act a certain way – mostly leading to something that I must have done wrong in the past.

Yes, at the end of it, if anything is out of place, I know I’m to blame, even if I’m one of two present parents. If the child acts a certain way, I’m at fault. If I’m struggling with a certain phase, it’s because the child was not brought up right. If something happens to them, I’m responsible! And God forbid, if something does happen, who gets to deal with that for the rest of their life? You guessed it – me again! There is just so much responsibility and blame laid down on one person, one mere physically weak mortal human.

Why does it all come down to me?

Because I’m ‘mother’. And I need to be able to be everywhere and do everything, sometimes with one hand tied behind my back. If I can’t, I’m less than and I should have been more careful. I should have been smarter and had less. I should have had one, or I should have had none!

Maybe I don’t deserve to be a mom even!

My day starts when the sun rises and does not end till the sun rises the next day. And even then, it just starts all over again. It’s one long never ending day after another. I wait for the night to come so I can lay my head down to rest, and it never does.

I want to be able to sleep with all eyes closed and not waiting for the slightest sounds of stirring.

But all of this, does not in any way mean that I do not love my children, or that I regret having them. It only means that right now, I am tired and I need to rest for a bit to get back on track, enough to be able to care for them the way I want to again.

I do not want to take on the added responsibility of being an angel without wings, an angel on earth, a saint, Wonder Woman, superhuman, or the strongest person you’ve ever met! I cannot do everything! I do not want to carry the weight of those titles along with everything else I’m already carrying. I do not want to be everything!

I just want to be me, trying my best every second of every day, sometimes trying to not try at all, sleepless, struggling, overwhelmed, anxious self that just wants to see my children grow up healthy and happy and loved.

I just want to continue surviving the noises of this world, to get through surviving the daily battles of a struggling unworthy mother, without the burden of your unkind thoughts & thoughtless words because the word ‘mother’ of itself, is already unbelievably heavy!