Continuing with my thought process from last week, what am I even doing with my role as a mom? Am I doing enough? Do I have enough of a positive impact on my children’s lives that they will do well without me one day? What is their father doing in all of this confusion? What does the father do? The response that I mostly get for this question is that he is the financial provider. He is not the primary caregiver but is financial provider all that he is? The head of the family then you may say. In what sense?

Just because it has been seen in the past that men were the breadwinners and brought in the dough, did that give him sole authority over all decisions made in the home and for the family?

I see it as an equal partnership in a lot of ways. We can try and balance it out. I like making lists, so for instance, we can add going outside to work & earn as one of the items in the list on his side while adding household chores on hers (for SAHMs) and so on and so forth. For a balanced out home with less friction, it’s important that this list balances out and each party is aware of their individual weight in the marriage as well as the other’s along with understanding that neither is above or beneath what each of them is doing & providing.

I remember learning in business school (I fail to remember the exact context) that no one’s job should be considered above or beneath your own. What is important here is that every person who labours is doing so as a means to an end. They are using their skills in their capacity to provide for them and their family. Sometimes, we tend to forget this, thinking we’re doing better off than someone else financially. Even if that is the case, it should be considered a blessing, not an entitlement. It is the same in a marriage or domestic partnership.

In the same way, the role of the father in a child’s emotional and physical wellbeing are equally important. It’s important to the girl that he shows her mom the love and respect that she will come to understand is basic in a loving relationship. It is important that he shows her the love and respect she will learn to expect from anyone toward her as she grows up and nothing less than that. It is important for her to experience that to love and respect her own self the same way because she deserves no less.

It is important to the boy that “he” shows his mother the love and respect and kindness that the child will learn is basic in any loving and respectful relationship. It is important that he is taught that if there isn’t love, respect, communication and sacrifice, being the provider hold no meaning.

These are things a mother can teach her child but in the busy-ness of giving and being, the emphasis and the importance is not felt as much as it would be felt if it came from the father. To teach a child that what the mother does for them is not to be taken for granted. That what they feel is an entitlement and a privilege is also a sacrifice and an honour. And vice versa. Both their roles are complimentary and equally important in the lives of their children.

He is only confined to being an atm machine when he doesn’t take active part in all of his other duties.

There are so many sacrifices that are made in the process of becoming a parent – losing proper sound and peaceful sleep being one of the top three and having to give up on your dreams to fulfil those of your child being another.

Every decision henceforth is made based on the child and the family.

The men are generally the quiet sacrificers in many families where they play an active role. Since they’re not as vocal as most women can be, they silently do the things they need to do so that the family is happy even if they have to give up on some of the things that give them joy. It doesn’t go unnoticed, but it’s barely acknowledged and appreciated because the women who do know it are too tired to do anything about it.

Feeling helpless becomes a huge part of the parental experience – for both parents. No matter how prepared we think we are, or we are, or we aren’t, every child sends our preparation swinging around the place refusing to hit the target. Sometimes we do hit it and score. And I guess we need to revel in those few and joyous moments. Because what else is life about? If we were so perfect, would there be reason for us to be here?

What are the ways you think a man can provide for his family without actually taking out his wallet? And what kind of impact do you think that would make on the child(ren)? Write in. I’m always yearning to learn more about everyone else’s experiences. I would love to read and connect to ideas different than my own or even ones that aren’t so different.

As always, writing down my thoughts feel like a weight off my shoulder but there’s still so much to unravel yet. Until next week!

Love always,