This last week has been a lot for me. The break-less over stimulation that comes with attending to the needs of three extremely demanding little ones got to me, as it eventually does at regular intervals of time.

Above that, opening up Instagram as a means to distract myself only worsened the situation.

Following families with less children or no kids at all got me sighing in overwhelm, got me wondering, “what did I do to myself?” Don’t take me wrong, again, I am in no way ungrateful for my blessings but when it gets too much for me, my means of coping is considering the “what ifs”.

What if I had chosen a career instead of family? What if I hadn’t chosen motherhood? What if I had chosen to be a mom of just one? What would my life look like today if I had chosen any of those options?

Thinking that way usually brings me right back on track.

Then the questions follow, so what am I doing with what I have now? Am I justifying this role I play?

To go way back, when I found out I was expecting my first child, I was so overjoyed, yet so overwhelmed with the possibility and opportunity of becoming a mother. I wanted to do everything right. I could not dream of making any mistakes.

What I didn’t know then was the overload of responsibility I would be subjected to. The life and existence of an entire tiny being would be dependent on me.

It sounds so exciting before that little bundle is physically placed in your hands and you realize that your hands are still shaking from the absolute craziness of the experience of labour. And here you are, holding a newborn life that cannot do anything or be anything without you doing something and being everything.

I had never dreamt of a wedding when I was younger, but I always knew I wanted to be a mom. And I always knew I wanted two girls and a boy. Don’t ask me why or how but I always knew. Was this knowledge though enough to make that decision to become a parent? I honestly doubt it. There are days when I still don’t know what I’m doing, and I feel like a child playing house.

Choosing to bring a child into the world, into your home should be an informed decision for all parties involved. With all of the information from conception to the fact that once that child is here, there is no going back. This is going to be how the rest of your life looks for the rest of your life! Priorities will shift. Who you are as a person will change, to accommodate who you are as a parent. And that’s who you’ll be sometimes even when the kids are not around you.

Everyone talks about the struggles of a mom once this decision is made and the process has started, the whole way through pregnancy and birthing the baby – the hormonal changes, the physical changes. the emotional turmoil. What about the helplessness a man feels during this entire time? I’ve been thinking about this a lot this last week too seeing how I’m not alone in my struggles.

It is so important maybe even from the beginning of time, for the man to do, to provide, to fix. This portion of the partnership is not an easy one for him. The reversal of roles, to be the nurturer instead is a confusing place to be not knowing if what they’re doing is good enough or enough enough.

The sense of helplessness is so overwhelming that in the previous generations, men have even chosen to opt out of this portion of the process. Terming it as the woman’s responsibility and woman’s field of expertise, they have kept their distance from it.

I remember a conversation with a colleague of mine during my first pregnancy when I was going through morning sickness at work. He said to me that me being pregnant does not and should not have anything to do with men or affect them in any way whatsoever. That when I have to run to the restroom to throw up ten times in a regular workday, it should not be apparent to the male colleagues present that I was showing symptoms of carrying child. This was how his mother had handled all her pregnancies and that is how it should be. The men should not be bothered with it.

As you can see, this conversation stuck with me and not in a good way. And just so you know, I did not let it go, sitting down but we’ll delve into that interaction another day.

I choose to believe that the ignorance and indifference that certain men have shown in the past is due to their utter and unbelievable sense of helplessness in these situations where they know that their women are going through all of it alone and there’s almost nothing they can do to make it any easier. And that has been handed down over the generations as division of labour, and gender roles.

My own father for instance, has never held a baby that’s less than 3 months old because he did not trust himself enough to not hurt it. I doubt my mother had that choice.

As the child grows, that sense of helplessness only continues.

A mother’s role in a child’s life is so well defined. She will nurture, she will love, she will heal.

She will do all of these things for the rest of her existence. Your child will not only be your child up until legal driving age but will continue to be so for as long as you live and even after. A mother’s job sometimes extends beyond the grave depending on what you leave them with.

Being able to leave your child independent and able to take care of themselves emotionally and physically is a major part of a mother’s duty from the time we see those tiny little fingers and toes.

And this last week, it was all a lot for me. The overwhelming sense of that responsibility., the duty to my children, the lack of time and strength to take care of myself after doing and being for everyone else. It was all a lot.

But there are also those times when I know it’s okay. My youngest came running to me this last week after a squabble with his sisters yelling, “mama I want you to love me, I want you to love me”, because he was hurting and wanted a hug from his mom. I know it’s okay because even though I was exhausted and holding my head in my hands, holding off the tears that were threatening to spill at that instance, that innocent need made me drop my hands and laugh so hard that I all but forgot the pain I was in for a long moment. And that is worth every single second of overwhelm, and doubt, and overstimulating anxiety parenting brings to the table.

My post for today is all but done. There’s still so much more to say, a lot more to explain. But it’s been a lot for one day and so, this rant will be continued next week….

Please feel free to share in the comments how your little one (even if not so little today) managed to make you smile (or laugh like mine did) when all you wanted to do was let go and let the tears flow.

Until next week!

Love always,