I can barely remember the time when I was young and all dreamy eyed, and going on a date meant talking about the future, aspirations, who I thought I was then, who I wanted to be growing older, wondering the same things about my date, eventually planning out that future we’d spent so many hours discussing, celebrating the wins, grieving the losses, and also the ones where sometimes we would end up talking about nothing that makes any sense to the me today when I think of it

And then there’s dating today, post-children. They’re somehow very different. They’re less hopeful than the earlier mentioned ones, the discussions are less passionate and more practical, mostly revolving around the children – their past, present and future overtaking most of the conversation, our dreams either moved to the back burner indefinitely or thrown out the window completely. These are the ones that barely even happen and sometimes when they do, we’re not really sure if it was a date at all or just a chore that we got out of the way.

And yet, I still want to be able to do them more, maybe hopeful that one day I’ll get the hang of it again, know how to do it again, be myself more at some point of time. I want to be able to remember how it feels to just be me, only me, not a wife, not a mother, not the nurturer, or someone’s (everyone’s) support system. I want to be able to just be me for a few hours in a day, one day in a couple of weeks or more whenever it happens, one single insignificant person enjoying the little nothings of the moment with someone that they care about intensely as another single insignificant person, not because he is the father of their children, or a life partner, or a supportive husband, but just for him. To be two people who just want to be themselves for a few hours in a day.

Once I can take out that guilt of not being someone for someone else, I may be able to enjoy being me for me. In due course. I can feel the effort that it’s taking to work on that guilt that we as women manage to build around being happy for ourselves. I’ve carried that weight for years, and now I want to lay it down.

This also, as usual, managed to get me thinking of something else (somewhere along similar lines). What about a date with me? I’ve always thought it weird to go for a movie on my own (I’ve tried it once exactly, many many years ago!) but that hasn’t stopped a lot of people from doing the same. When you don’t have anyone who could go with you for a movie that you would otherwise enjoy and no one in your current circle of friends or family would, why not go for it alone? You’re not hurting anyone in the process, are you?

I realised recently that I don’t know who I am outside of my children, outside of my family. And I’d like to change that. It’s about time I did.

After talking myself into it, a date with myself is starting to sound quite like something I might be in interested in to do this year. What if I don’t have someone to go out with for coffee (or hot chocolate), does it really matter if I just go it alone? Like someone recently asked me to remember, I can be my own tribe.

After years of focusing on everyone else around me, I could start having those conversations with myself now, get to know who I am today, what my dreams and aspirations for the future are. I could get to know me again – not the mom, the wife, the friend, the sister, the daughter, the go-to support system. I could try to get to know me. Who am I? What am I like as a person? What do I like to do? Who do I want to be a few years from now? There’s so much I want to know; I need to know.

With that decided, here’s to trying something new. To giving myself a chance. To learning who I am. And knowing this soul that is me, the child who took the journey and got this far, to the woman who will walk with her hand in hand for a different tomorrow than I had initially envisioned.

And here’s to hoping that your journey leads you to that special you too. The one that has endured and stayed for the long run. The one that has stood by you no matter what. To finding that person and loving them, in all your entirety! You deserve no less!

Love always,