Sometimes outside noises are so loud, I find it hard to hear my own voice through it.

I’ve been told and I’ve come to understand that when I listen to someone beyond my capacity, my voice is replaced by theirs. Once I allow that to happen, every time I need to make a decision or consider something, I hear that person’s voice in the place of my own. And it isn’t just their voice but their thought process as well. That’s when you start to lose yourself, lose who you are.

Which in all honesty, is very disorienting to say the least!

When they say, “peer pressure”, this is what it is – your inner voice being replaced by someone else’s till you can’t tell one from the other.

I never thought it would be so important to hear myself think! I always wanted quiet, some peace. I never thought I’d miss my own voice as much as I did when I lost my inner voice a few months ago.

I was advised to read out loud – text messages, books, articles online. I was asked to send voice notes instead of typing out texts just so I could hear myself speak, to hear how I sound, to remember how it felt to have my own thoughts rattling around in my head again.

It took a while and a lot of effort and is still a work in progress months later, but I have achieved success, in part. Now I know not to take it for granted.

When I struggled with friendships, trying to avoid this takeover that was occurring, I was instructed to instead consider my inner voice as my own little tribe, the one that’s been there for me for as long as I can remember. I’ve been my own best friend almost for forever and yet, I’ve pushed that knowledge to the side. I’ve known me at my worst, I’ve known me at my best. And yet, I always thought the voices were a curse and wanted them gone.

Now I know better.

I’ve been my worst critic and my best cheerleader!

If there’s anyone who knows me as close as possible to only my creator, that would be me!

I’ve grown to love who I am and accept myself, flaws and all through the roads I’ve taken and the roads that I’ve missed.

And here I am, fully aware that this is me, no matter who loves me or who doesn’t, who accepts me or who doesn’t, who tolerates me or who doesn’t. I will always be here for me. All of me! Surviving, living, whether I want to or not!

And through it all I’ve learned how important it is to have a voice of my own and to use it before I end up losing it.

It’s not a choice I have or a choice I want to make anymore!