A search for balance – this is what my life has always been about.

At the end of this period of “the scales”, I would like to write about this need for balance that has constantly pushed me a certain way.

When on task, I’ve always given it my all or I’ve given it nothing – whatever the ‘it’ is. My mom has never failed to remind me over the years that I only have extreme reactions & responses, never an in between with anything. She was always right in that, and it’s been a hard truth for me to bear.

Being neutral is a good place to be I think, most times. It’s the safest and most comfortable place to be in, even when it’s a little inconvenient. It may make you squirm a little but at least it’s not making you go in any direction that is confusing or complicated where you may have to deal with an unknown.

Lately I’ve been thinking, how do we know that feeling a certain way is wrong? Who gets to decide these things?

Of course, if I decide to go out and act on that feeling of extreme rage and hurt someone, I 100% agree that that would be wrong!

But if you aren’t going out there and hurting anyone, with your extreme emotions or responses, does it matter that you feel a certain way? I also understand that it takes a lot sometimes to stay neutral. But what of those of us who struggle with it?

I’ve been told to rein it in a lot, to hold back, to control the emotions, the thoughts, the words, the restlessness.

It’s not okay to show that you’re hurting, it’s not okay to show anger, it’s not okay to show love, or at least too much of it in a way that makes someone else uncomfortable. Why is it always someone else’s comfort that’s more important?

Coming from a country that prioritizes “what is everyone else thinking?” and living in a region where “what will they think?” has held the most importance, it’s been hard to change that thought process to include, “how do I feel about this?” too.

These restrictions & calculations constantly weigh my mind down that when the need arises, I sometimes fail to respond or react appropriately or in time. I’m in my own head so much of the time convincing myself to rein it in that I end up torturing myself over the guilt of not responding appropriately enough when I needed to.

Today, with the right kind of help I’ve reached a point where I realize that being and feeling extremely is okay. Being this way is what makes me me and not someone else.

I don’t need to feel selfishly about prioritizing myself or my feelings, but I also do not need to void them completely just to make others around me feel important. We can all co-exist and accept how each one feels and is. And that is the balance we need to work toward achieving.

I’m growing to accept that the journey is as important as the destination, the journey of seeking that balance.

I would like to pay tribute to the Libras, many that I know of personally struggling with this process, to hit this balance. To the ones who struggle like I do to constantly add the weights to balance the scales and fail to do so no matter how hard we try, it’s okay.

It’s okay to sometimes tip to one side one day and on other days tip the other way. We can enjoy our extremes just as much as we enjoy our perfectly balanced days.

Finding the ability to soak in the joy of both can also be considered a form of achieving that balance we seek, right?