When I had decided to start working on a blog and during the process of selecting a name, I knew what I wanted to write about. There were two main things that had inspired me. The first was a book I had read a while ago – One Hundred Names by Cecilia Ahern. It spoke to me. It explored how every soul has a story and how every story is important in its own way, no matter how big or small compared to another’s. I’d always loved listening to stories growing up, especially the ones shared by my maternal grandmother in the dead of night when all the lights were out and I was cuddled up next to her to sleep. And I thought to myself, “there’s more of those out there and I’d like to find them. And write them!”

My second inspiration was the amount of advice I’ve received over the years, everyone telling me what to do and how to do it. Everyone you come across wants to be a genuine and significant part of your journey. Sometimes it’s hard to work through that noise even if it’s well intended. Some of those advises may work for you, some may not. I wanted to write about my journey through figuring this out – how much of that noise do I try to decipher and how much do I choose to ignore? Will I choose the right ones? Does it matter? Everyone wants to help and everyone wants to offer their two cents, me included. It’s so hard to keep those well intended ideas and opinions to ourselves sometimes.

I had this very recent experience with a friend of mine where she was having a bit of a struggle with her child’s health. He’s going to play school and is approximately 2 years old. We all know how fun that age is right. So, she was in a bit of a fix as I mentioned with his health – a constant cold and sometimes a random fever that would go on for a few days. He’d get better and then again the cycle would start. It was obvious to me that going to school wasn’t helping him get better because he wasn’t getting the rest he needed. But she didn’t want to let him skip school for a random cold that didn’t seem like it was going away or wanted to leave anytime soon. And he would be out in the evenings letting off some steam so his mother could be better equipped to handle him once he was all tired out. Me, being the overprotective overcompensating over anxious mother that I am, did not approve. And I tried giving her ideas, suggestions, “advise” on how she could handle the situation better. But she had her reasons for why she did what she did and how she cared for him. It reached a point where I snapped at her for being stubborn with her ideas and opinions, sometimes even against doctor’s instructions. As a mom of three, who went through multiple phases and came out on the other side completely having to start from scratch with techniques & processes that worked for a bit till it didn’t, I got triggered and snapped at her about the requirements for her child’s growth without considering her journey.

On a normal day, I would have been very empathetic and supportive but this was not one of those days. So, I snapped at her! Over her child’s health! It took me a couple of minutes and then the questions started pouring in – who gave me the right to do what I’d just done? Who said I could decide what she fed her child, the child she carried for 10 months and brought into this world? Who told me it was ok for me to decide that I knew better? Do I like it when I’m constantly told what to do for my kids, what’s good and proper and right for them? Do I feel in my heart that I’m doing everything I possibly can for them and prioritising their needs over everything else constantly? Do I know that no one can care for them like I can and do every. single. day? So, where did I come off telling her that what she was doing was wrong? I heeded to the voice in my head and apologised. Don’t worry, our friendship is intact. No matter how justified I thought my reason was, my action was not justified!

So, my question is this – where do we come off thinking we always know better than someone else? Why, when I dislike being in the receiving end of constant advise (anyone who sees me jumps to the immediate conclusion that I just fell out of the sky a few seconds before and haven’t a clue on anything), would I go ahead and do the same thing to someone else? I know of people with no children or less children who think they know better than parents with how many ever number of kids they have. For instance, I could never attempt to understand what a mother of four or more is dealing with. It would be absolutely futile trying to give her advice on how to manage her kids. She’s definitely done it longer than I have and she’s definitely got more experience. Nor would I know how a mom who lost a pregnancy or child is feeling. Would I know how to tell her how to grieve? Would I be equipped enough to provide her with the necessary information or instructions that she needs to get through her grief?

Sometimes being a mom is just like a really terrible roller coaster ride. I want to throw up (which I’ve never felt on real rides btw), I want to crouch down low in my seat and make it go away, my back hurts, my neck hurts, it’s too loud, I’m up in the air one minute, I’m crashing down the next, I hate it and I love it. Sometimes, it’s just the most thrilling adventure ever – I wonder why I got on it in the first place and I want to just get off, and sometimes I wonder why I waited this long! Sometimes, I want to go the rest of the way with my eyes shut tight and then there are those times I want them wide open to capture every heartwarming second. Sometimes, I’m pissing my pants in absolute fear and sometimes I’m having the craziest adrenaline rush! Sometimes, I can’t wait for it to be over and am constantly looking for the finish line and at other times I just want it to go on forever.

There’s just so much to feel, so much emotion involved, it’s indescribable. Second person advice here is single tiered and it misses all those layers.

And that’s what I don’t get! Why? Do I like it when someone who can’t see those layers tells me how to do something or feel something, when they barely have their eyes open to it? Then why do I do it?

P.S. I would still say that advise is good – when it comes from a good place & if the recipient has the option to take it or leave it or modify it to their convenience and need.